I have a costume that I'm not going to use this weekend, because I'm:
1. Lazy and
2. In Chicago.
However, if you are not lazy and in Milwaukee, may I suggest that you dress up as our old Milwaukee County Stadium buddy, the Two-Fisted Slobber.
The Two-Fisted Slobber was the main character in a public service announcement that they played at old County Stadium for the purpose of preventing binge drinking. The Slobber would spill on people, swear in front of children, and get up to use the facilities at the most inopportune times.
He always pissed off the other characters (old ladies, children, parents), and he always had two beers in his hands. There was a problem with the Two-Fisted Slobber, however. After awhile, he started to become a cultural icon. Instead of deterring those around him from binge-drinking, many people decided that they would rather be him than have to deal with him. Fan-cams would often catch TFS imitators. He was positively cool, and the Brewers, fearing a backlash from "those people" (You know who I'm talking about. The same jackasses who took away Bernie's beer mug and lederhosen, even though the team is called The Brewers, and even though they play in Miller Park.) forever buried the Slobber in an unmarked crate in a gigantic storage room, deep in the bowels of Miller Park, perhaps next to the Ark of the Covenant.
You can't even find him on the 'net. Don't even bother Googling, I've tried. You'll get cheap knock-offs, but you'll never find the real thing.
That's why Halloween is the perfect time to bring back the Two-Fisted Slobber. You only need a few readily-available items:
1. A "wife-beater" tank top.
2. A slight beer gut. The Slobber is not obese, just a bit doughy.
3. A "BM" old-school 80s era Brewer cap.
4. Cut off jean shorts. Longer than Tobias's
, but not by much.
5. A 70s style pornstache, like the Brewers all had in the 80s. Fake or real, it doesn't matter.
7. Tall socks.
8. Two beers.
9. No tan. At all. Pasty white only.
The best part about the costume is that it requires you to consume two simultaneous alcoholic beverages all evening. It might be a bit cold, but it does allow for easy movement, and a great deal of comfort if you are in a crowded space.
So please, this Halloween, if you don't have a bitchin' costume ready to go, do your part to bring back this Milwaukee icon, this Sultan of Suds. Bring back to Two-Fisted Slobber.
However, if the Two-Fisted Slobber is bothering you on Halloween, find an usher, a county sheriff, or go to the Fan Assistance Center, located on the main concourse behind Section 17.